


scattered pieces of a broken illusion

by SparklyWitch



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Betrayal, Bottom Jim, Bottom Spock (Star Trek), Explicit Sexual Content, Guilty Jim Kirk, Heavy Angst, I have no idea if I succeeded, Infidelity, M/M, Selfish Jim Kirk, Selfish Spock Prime, Unhappy Ending, Unhappy Jim, jim and spock prime are both assholes but I do try to write them with depth, seriously guys this is pretty dark, so if that's not your thing you're warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:41:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21723913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparklyWitch/pseuds/SparklyWitch
Summary: « I could not bear it if you left me, » Spock had once said, whispered, really, like a shameful secret that should not be spoken out loud, let alone shared.Jim hadn’t said anything to that, hadn’t tried to comfort Spock with meaningless lies and promises he could not possibly keep, just kissed him and kissed him and kissed him until Spock held onto him like a drowning man, desperate for salvation.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock Prime
Comments: 23
Kudos: 41





	scattered pieces of a broken illusion

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I'm back with another twisted Spock Prime/Jim/Spock triangle. Obviously, I wasn't as done with those three as much as I thought I was, but I *am* done with the infidelity theme. This one was written as a gift to Lena, who gave me my first prompt (so honored! thank you :) ) and more importantly, offered me kind words that made me feel better after a really shitty day. I wasn't sure I could ever write what you asked of me, not only because I didn't want to touch that theme again, but also because I didn't think I could pull it off. Still, I tried. It took some time, but if you're still here somewhere Lena, this is for you. Thank you again.
> 
> So here's the prompt : "it's quite simple : Jim's having an affair with Spock Prime behind Spock's back. No one night mistake, no extraordinary circumstances, just plain old "torn between two men and unable to choose". Kudos if Spock Prime isn't as selfless as he's usually presented." (apparently, there are some Spirk shippers out there who are even more frustrated than I am with the popular "spock fucks up" trope lmfao)
> 
> This is my first time trying to write a nonlinear story. Also, I played a little with the different tenses here so I have no idea if the finished result is coherent or not. Let me know! ;)
> 
> Enjoy your reading!

  * _stardate 2269.44_



A familiar buzzing sound wakes him up from his deep slumber. Jim groans, tempted to completely ignore it. He’s so deliciously warm from all sides, already Morpheus is calling him back into her arms. But then a feeble crosses his mind, reminding him that he _had_ been waiting for that particular call all day.

That starts his useless brain back on and, suddenly feeling very awake, Jim abruptly escapes the cocoon of blankets and warmth, quickly reaching for the device. Too late, the call’s already been transferred to the voicemail and, upset, he puts the communicator back on the bedside table. It won’t ring a second time tonight, Jim already knows, the caller rightfully thinking that he must be asleep at this hour.

Jim sighs silently. He had promised Spock he would stay awake long enough for them to finally be able to catch each other. After three days of missed calls and full conversations via texts, he’s starting to feel more than a little frustrated. Jim misses the Vulcan and, not for the first time, he curses this imposed life they’re leading that keeps them apart for too long.

When they had been on the Enterprise, where they belonged, they had scarcely ever left each other’s side.

Jim ponders with the idea of calling him back right away. But then he throws a quick glance to the other side of the bed and silently abandons it. Too risky.

Settling back under the covers, he smiles weakly as a wandering hand slides under his shirt to touch the skin of his lower stomach, pulling him back against a strong chest, encouraging him to settle more comfortably against the primary source of warmth currently residing in the bed.

« Is everything alright ? » whispers his sleeping companion.

« Yeah », Jim answers quietly, ignoring the now familiar hollow sensation in his chest. « Go back to sleep. »

A kiss on his neck, then the soft breathing announcing sleep. Jim throws one last glance at his silent communicator before closing his eyes.

* * *

It starts like this. A Captain who loses his home when his ship is mercilessly taken away from him. A forced promotion he never asked for. A man unable to find his footing in a new life he despises so much that he can’t breathe. A lover who can’t bring himself to confide in the one person who matters the most, unable to see that it’s the only thing that would bring him the solace he’s desperately searching for.

It also starts like this. A lost soul thrown into a strange universe so reminiscent of his own. An old man torn between two identities. A desire for a life that was not his to live. The mischievousness of a spiritual priestess who wishes to torment him by granting him his heart’s darkest desire. A newfound youth that forces him to ponder on forbidden ideas he can no longer bring himself to completely disregard.

They should have known better. They do know better.

Still, they sin.

* * *

Jim was still a new Captain, young and inexperienced but so eager to prove himself to all those who doubted him. His crew. Starfleet. Spock. This early into his captaincy, he had been convinced that he could not allow himself to depend on anyone, less they considered him weak and threw him to the wolves.

Bones used to call him paranoid. Thinking back on that particular time of his life, Jim could now admit that his friend was right. No one was working against him. His crew trusted him to lead them well and, back on Earth, Christopher Piker had faith in him and acted as his first line of defense against his detractors.

As for Spock… Spock was by far his biggest miscalculation. Jim had seen the man as his enemy, taking his constant criticism as personal attacks against him and unable to appreciate Spock’s words for what they truly were; a clumsy attempt to support him and help him transition into his new duties smoothly.

Back then, _he simply hadn’t known_. Head full of memories that weren’t his own, he resented Spock for his lack of loyalty. Hated him for not looking at him the way Jim desperately wanted him to. In another lifetime, a James Kirk had inspired devotion in his Vulcan, what made _this_ Jim so different?

Confused and disappointed, he had turned to the one that had started it all, surprisingly harboring no anger towards the older Spock. Just disappointment, a feeling no one but this strange old man could understand. He had truly believed in their future, Jim knew that, and he couldn’t find it in himself to blame the Elder for his shattered illusions.

So they kept in touch. They talked through messages and video calls. Jim would vent his frustrations and, unlike his Spock, this one would actually listen, offering a kind advice and overall, just making him feel better. Then they would stir the conversation towards New Vulcan and the slow progress of the colony and it would be Jim’s turn to listen while his friend explained the nature of his work.

It was a routine Jim had come to depend upon. Talking to the other Spock was soothing in a way very few other things were at the time. So maybe his Spock couldn’t stand him. At least, this one clearly adored him.

And Jim felt the same.

* * *

  * _stardate 2269.79_



He’s seething.

The ballroom is full of dignitaries and other politicians, all dressed up for the occasion and harboring different masks, as is the custom on Xirei. Jim’s wearing one too, simple and black, something that covers the upper half of his face, but amongst all the beauty and elegance dancing gracefully in the room, he feels like a troll surrounded by faeries.

The only reason he’s here is to support Spock, and yet his eyes keep finding the bastard on the other side of the room. His presence here is a surprise, Jim hadn’t expected him to accompany T’Pau and Sarek as they came to celebrate their heir’s success. He hates being caught unaware that way.

He hates the laughing gentleman currently standing far too close to the Vulcan even more. Asshole isn’t exactly doing anything to push him away. In fact, he looks just as smitten. Or as smitten as one can look with half their face hidden by a mask.

A gentle touch on his elbow drags him out of his dark thoughts. « Is everything alright, Jim? » His Spock asks worriedly.

Jim offers him a reassuring smile, sliding his fingers over the Vulcan’s in a discreet kiss. « Of course, « he says easily. « I’m just surprised the other Spock came. It’s a good thing this is a masked ball, or else it would get pretty confusing. »

« Indeed. I, too, am confused on the reason of his presence amongst us,» Spock says thoughtfully, looking across the room at this counterpart. The corner of his lips tugs in distaste and Jim has to fight not to turn around and see what the other man is doing _now_. « He is acting most inappropriately with the guests. As a respected Elder, he should know his place. »

Jim forces a chuckle that grates his throat. « Not an Elder anymore, remember? And cut him some slack, the guy’s been given a second chance at life, that’s a gift some people would kill for. Might as well enjoy it now. »

« Nevertheless, this behavior is unfit to his status and better left to the privacy of his own bedroom,» Spock grumbled, clearly embarrassed by the other Spock’s attitude.

Despite the jealousy tearing at his insides, Jim also feels a familiar surge of fondness as he looks at his partner. Anyone else wouldn’t be able to catch the signs of anxiousness, but Jim can. He’s earned that right to read Spock like a book. A perfect, addictive, comforting book that Jim now knows by heart.

God, he wants to kiss him. But they’re in public, so that’s out of the question. Instead, he settles for drawing small circles on the back of his hand in a soothing touch.

« It’s going to be okay, you know, » Jim says with a smile that, this time, doesn’t feel fake. « You’re going to rock this speech and they’ll all fall in love with you and I’ll have to grab a pitch to keep the vultures away. »

Spock’s lips twitch slightly, fighting a smile that comes easier to him after all this time. To Jim utter surprise, the Vulcan grabs his hand and lifts it to his lips, dropping a soft kiss on his palm.

A wave of affection washes over him. Then he catches the other Spock leaning forward to whisper something to his companion, the two of them looking intimate even by Human’s standards, and his jealousy comes back tenfold.

Spock notices his change of attitude, even if he completely misinterprets it. _Fuck_. « Are you quite sure you feel well? You look pale, » he frowns. « Perhaps we should retire for the night. I can still make our excuses--... »

Jim’s already shaking his head. « No, no way. » He knows he sounds frustrated and tries to tone it down. « I’m just feeling a little under the weather, it’ll pass. Spock, you’re the guest of honor. This is your night and I don’t want to ruin it. »

« Jim—... »

« I promise, I’m fine, » he insists, perhaps a little too intent. His eyes discreetly follow the other Spock as he slips away from the ballroom and disappears behind the large opaque doors leading to the terrace. « Would you just trust me on this, please? «

Spock opens his mouth, clearly sensing that something is wrong, when one of their hosts interrupts them, blissfully unaware of the tension between the two men.

« Mister Spock! » The Xireian woman quirks excitedly, her blue skin positively glowing under the lights of the crystal chandeliers. « They’re ready for you! »

Spock nods his head in thanks and waits for her to leave before turning back to Jim. 

« Are you certain? » he ask hesitantly. « Your assertion is correct, I cannot deny the necessity of my presence here. However, you are under no obligation to remain if your health does not permit it. »

« Yes, I know, » Jim says bitterly. « I’m just the arm candy. »

A tensed silence.

« Fuck, I’m sorry, » Jim apologizes, sighing wearily. How did the atmosphere between them change so quickly? « That came out wrong. »

Spock looks at him carefully. « I meant no insult, » he eventually says softly.

« I know, I know you didn’t, » Jim promises with just a small touch of exasperation. He loves that Spock is so thoughtful, but he’s not a freaking child for fuck’s sake. « It’s just, I keep telling you that I’m fine, but you don’t listen and I--... » He stops. Curses himself silently. Way to ruin Spock’s big night. « Look, this isn’t the time for this. I’ll just go take some fresh air, okay? But you still have at least three more hours of meddling with the crowd before you can even think of taking your leave. So no excuses. You’re staying. »

His companion sighs and silently accepts his defeat. Same as Jim, he looks exasperated, but his feeling comes from a place of worry, as opposed to Jim who just feels like an ass and trembles with barely contained frustration.

« Aye, aye, Captain, » Spock tries to tease, awkward, but well intentioned.

The appellation hits Jim like a punch to the plexus. He knows Spock means well, but for him, these words are nothing but a constant reminder that he’s past the best days of his life. Still, he smiles and wishes Spock good luck, waiting until he’s reached his father before turning his back on the scene and walking towards the terrace.

There, another Spock patiently waits for him, a little further from the main event. He got rid of his mask, but thankfully he’s hidden in the shadows well enough that no one would recognize him unless they were truly looking. Jim doesn’t even try to hide his anger as he stalks forward, grabbing the man by the lapel of his jacket.

« What the hell are you doing here ? » Jim hisses.

Unbothered by his aggressive attitude and watching him with dark, avid eyes, Spock slides his hands around Jim’s wrists and leans closer to brush their mouths together. As always, he is nothing but sincere in his answer. « I came to see you. »

Jim growls, fighting against the urge to shake the Vulcan and curse him for his recklessness. « So you thought the best way to do so was to reach out to me in public? With Spock and his family right next to us? Are you fucking insane? »

« Rest assured, it is not my wish to put you in an embarrassing situation, » Spock instantly reassures, slipping his fingers under Jim’s mask and taking if off entirely. Jim barely notices. « However, it was imperative that I meet you and you have failed to respond to any of my calls. »

« I have a pretty good reason not to want to see you right now, don’t you think? » Jim reminds him darkly.

There’s no answer at first. Jim isn’t really expecting one. Flashes of their last meeting cross through his mind, reminders of a fight that ended Jim storming out of their hotel room and ignoring Spock’s pleading calls to come back.

Spock looks as desolate now as he did back then. « Our last encounter did not end well and I fully accept my behavior as the root of our unfortunate disagreement. The fault was mine, Jim. But I cannot bear the weight of your anger any longer, of your disappointment. For I am well aware that I have disappointed you. »

Jim lets out a frustrated sight. « Spock--... »

« I had no right of pressuring you in such manner, nor should I have made any assumptions on the subject of our common future. »

« I never lied to you, Spock, » Jim reminds him, not completely appeased, not unkindly either. « If you’ve been convinced all this time that I would change my mind, that I could eventually _be convinced_ to change my mind, then –.. »

« No, » Spock cuts off instantly. « My words were presumptuous, but I assure you they were not spoken out of an attempt to manipulate you. All I can provide now is my word that such incident will not be replicated, and hope that it can appease your fears. » He looks down, chagrined. « Should you still find some worth in my promises, of course. »

Game. Set. Match.

Jim’s shoulders slump in defeat. He could never stay mad at his man for long. Still, his point has to be made. « If you ever ask me to leave him again, » he whispers, voice soft, yet as cutting as steel. « _I’m gone_. Do you hear me? »

Jim feels Spock’s flinch, can easily imagine the stricken look on his face. He hates hurting him, but Spock can’t just–… keep on living with the hope that Jim will change his mind. That one day, they could build a real life together. It would be cruel to let him believe otherwise.

Nevertheless, part of him knows that his words are futile. This Spock will keep the hope alive for as long as they stay together, keep the light burning somewhere deep inside himself, even if he’ll never allow it to be shown again. Still, at least Jim’s conscience is clear on that part.

He’s already lying to a Spock. He can’t do the same with the other.

Spock’s hands leave his wrists, go to brush against Jim’s hips. His voice takes that tempting tone that Jim can never say no to. Damn him.

« Is he waiting for you? »

« Probably, » Jim says steadily, eyes flicking to Spock’s lips. « I should go back inside. »

« You could. » None of them move. « Our departure is scheduled for tomorrow. However, I have secured private apartments for the night. » Spock leans closer. « You have kept away from me for too long, Jim, « he breathes out.

Usually, Jim would be easily swayed by the man’s clear desire for him. But right now, all he can remember is the gorgeous blonde stranger of earlier. « If you’re that desperate for a quick fuck, then you can ask your pretty suitor. I’m sure he’s dying to be given the special Vulcan treatment, » he says tensely.

For some reason, his bitter remark only seems to please Spock. He fully wraps his arms around Jim’s waist, pulls him closer to his body. The gesture is too intimate to be misinterpreted and Jim throws a quick glance behind him, sighing in relief as sees the now empty terrace. Everyone’s currently listening to his partner’s speech.

Spock takes the opportunity to drag his mouth alongside the curve of Jim’s neck, biting lightly at the unblemished skin.

« Stop, » Jim protests without heat, not even trying to move from Spock’s embrace. « I’m still pissed at you. Coming here today was stupid and the _epitome_ of illogic. «

« A behavior you seem to excel at drawing from me, » Spock teases. « Jim, you of all people should know that I am incapable of desiring anyone else. If I could, we would not be in this situation. »

Jim says nothing, just bares his neck further as Spock becomes more assertive, licking his way up his throat and tearing a reluctant moan out of him.

He’s still angry. He’s always angry lately. Angry at his Spock for being so smothering. Angry at _this_ Spock for playing with his nerves like that. Angry at himself for allowing the man to manipulate him as easily as a puppet, for going through with it anyway, for wanting to kiss that damnable mouth when he should be inside supporting his companion instead.

For loving two men who were always supposed to be just one.

« Come with me, » Spock entices him, voice sinfully tempting.

« I won’t be able to stay long, » Jim weakly warns him.

Victory. Jim feels Spock smiling against his jawline and doesn’t protest when the man quickly leads him down a dark path, pulling him further and further away from the lights of the palace.

* * *

« _Hey, Spock. You were right, I wasn’t feeling all that well earlier and it’s gotten worse, so I’ll just go now, okay? But don’t worry about me, you stay there as long as you need to. This is important, don’t let me ruin it. I’m just sorry I missed your speech. But I know you were amazing. You always are. Anyway, I’ll be waiting for you back at our hotel room. I love you._ »

* * *

Their first kiss happened during a short meeting on Starbase 4, a few months after the Narada crisis.

The Enterprise was stationed there for regulations and Elder Spock was currently visiting a neighboring planet. The opportunity to see each other face to face was too good to pass on and, barely a few hours later, the Vulcan had reached the Starbase on a shuttle.

Jim was overjoyed, shaking with unreleased energy. Ignoring his First Officer’s strange looks and waving off Bones’ grumpy remarks, he ditched them all the second he officially could. He was supposed to meet his friend in a more isolated area and found him sitting alone on a bench, quietly observing the artificial lake in front of him, looking so peaceful that Jim hesitated just short of calling his name. The Vucan’s features were relaxed, smoothing the marked wrinkles into a mask of contentedness that took Jim’s breath away.

He really didn’t want to disrupt that picture.

But then Spock turned his head and a small, gorgeous smile illuminated his face at the sight of Jim, making him look so much younger than he truly was. Jim could only imagine what his own face was doing, all he knew was that his cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

He tried to delay the inevitable goodbye for as long as he could, but soon enough they both had to face reality. It was time for him to go, back to his ship and the responsibilities that came along with it. And New Vulcan was waiting for its Elder.

Spock easily caught the disappointment on his face. With a soft look that was quickly becoming one of Jim’s favorite things in the universe, he gently cupped his cheek and spoke reassuring words, promises of future meetings that warmed Jim’s heart.

And then Spock leaned down and kissed him.

Jim blinked in stunned surprise. Spock’s lips were soft and warm, a gentle caress on his mouth. The contact was far from unpleasant and it didn’t take long for Jim to respond in kind. Pressing their mouths a little more firmly together, he slid a hand over Spock’s hip, the other around his neck, and slowly deepened the kiss, could taste the vanilla aroma of Spock’s tea on his tongue.

A quiet moan escaped him before they broke apart.

He was breathing heavily, heart racing in his chest as if they had been doing more than sharing a simple kiss. Dozens of possibilities quickly filled his head, unleashed. But as if sensing the direction his mind had taken, Spock shook his head and apologized quietly for his behavior, reminding him that friendship was the only relationship they could possibly entertain between them.

Sliding a finger over Jim’s now wet lips, Spock had whispered. « _At least once, I wished to feel the touch of your lips on mine. Forgive my selfishness._ »

« _We could do it_ , » Jim had promised eagerly, kissing the tip of Spock’s finger, touching his jawline and pressing their mouths together once more. « _You know we could. Let me be what you need_.»

« _No_ , » Spock had refuted, not unkindly. « _Do not mistake my words for a lack of desire on my part. I wish for nothing more than to have you by my side, Jim. You are the light illuminating the darkness in this new world of mine. However, my life is nearing its inevitable end. Yours has barely begun. It would not be wise, dear one._ »

Spock was right, of course. Even as he was trying to convince him otherwise, Jim knew a romantic relationship between them would not work out in the long term. The distance, the age difference, the complicated history they shared together, everything was working against them. A kiss was good. A kiss was all they could afford to have.

Still, his eyes started to burn as he nodded his ascent. It hurt more than he thought it would.

They wished each other well and parted ways, both convinced that this delicious afternoon they spent together would soon become but a sweet memory, something they would remember happily down the years and would bring them comfort.

How wrong they were.

* * *

  * _stardate 2260.32_



He delays announcing the news of his relationship with his First Officer for as long as he can.

Jim can’t even begin to explain why. He’s happy, so incredibly happy, and that’s something he should be eager to share with one of his dearest friends, right? The other Spock would be pleased about this. After all, isn’t he the one who used to go on and on about his young counterpart’s importance in Jim’s life and how vital it was that the two of them stayed together?

SO Jim has no reasons to keep this information to himself. And yet the words won’t come out of his mouth. Not once during their weekly conversations in the last four months has Jim even come close to reveal the truth. It’s like a physical reaction. Every attempt causes his throat to constrict and his stomach to tighten painfully.

It makes no sense, but Jim can’t shake off the ridiculous impression that he’s betraying his friend. His friend who had once nearly become more and would have most definitely become more, had it not been for the particular circumstances surrounding them.

The Elder’s already so lonely, Jim doesn’t want him to think that he’s abandoning him too. So he keeps quiet. Says nothing.

Curses himself all the while for his cowardice.

In the end, Elder Spock’s the one who puts an end to his inner torment.

« I hear congratulations are in order?»

Jim blinks. « Ugh?»

Through the screen, Spock’s eyes sparkle with hidden mischievousness. « Really, Jim. Obliviousness does not become you.»

A blush sears through Jim’s cheeks. He can feel it, knows that his face his red with shameful mortification. « Oh. That. Right.»

Well, that was pitiful.

AT least his reaction makes Spock laugh. Not a real laugh, obviously, but a discreet chuckle that could pass for nothing more than a cough to those who don’t know any better.

Jim knows better .

« Indeed,» Spock agrees with mirth.

Jim groans, rubbing his face to hide his embarrassment. « I was going to tell you,» he promises wearily. « Really. It just… never came up, I guess.» He keeps his head lowered. « I have no excuse. You should have heard it from me, Spock. I’m sorry.»

« Jim,» Spock says softly. « Are you happy?»

Jim thinks of the discreet kiss he shared with his First Officer this morning. Of the feel of his arms around him as they sleep pressed together at night.

« Yeah,» he breathes out with a small, sincere smile. « I’m happy.»

A strange note enters the Elder’s voice. « Then that is all that matters.»

Jim looks up. Spock’s kind face still holds traces of the amusement he’s felt at Jim’s embarrassment. He seems content, like Jim had been sure he would be, it’s just –…

It feels like he’s looking at a perfectly composed mask. Not a deceitful one, far from it, but something infuse with enough truth to hide an ugly lie.

Spock isn’t lying. Jim’s sure of it.

He just doesn’t believe he’s telling the whole truth either.

* * *

This Spock never reveals how he suddenly finds himself 70 years younger. The only thing Jim’s told is that the Elder had once left New Vulcan on a diplomatic envoy to reach out to their secluded neighbor planet and came back altered. His gray hair once more shined black. His skin had regained the smooth appearance of young age. The lines on his face had disappeared, erasing decades of history along with it, leaving nothing but a blank canvas ready to be filled again.

The friendly old man Jim’s gotten to know is gone, leaving a dangerously attractive man behind. Physically, he looks identical to his own Spock, if a little older. But the way he holds himself, with a nearly predatory grace, completely differs from his boyfriend’s posture.

As is the way he would now gaze upon Jim, pinning him down with black eyes filled with something primal and animalistic.

Something that makes Jim’s blood boil in his veins.

* * *

  * _stardate 2269.35_



« Where did you get this scar?» Jim asks as his fingers play with the back of Spock’s hand, tracing the thick white lines across the skin.

« Arlian II,» Spock answers easily. « I acquired this mark as an aftereffect of the ritual used to restore my youth.»

« Oh.» The scar looks deep, nearly painful to the touch. « Did it hurt?»

Something dark passes through Spock’s gaze. « Yes.» He doesn’t offer any more information after that. Jim doesn’t push either.

* * *

Rumors about The Enterprise’s decommission had been circulating amongst the crew for months before Starfleet finally made an official announcement. Jim had fought tooth and nail against that decision but in the end, the Admiralty’s judgment had been unyielding.

Hikaru Sulu was promoted Captain, a well-deserved promotion, and given command of his own ship. Pavel Chekov followed him and the two friends eagerly started a new chapter of their lives together. Montgomery Scott stayed on Earth, assigned with the task of overseeing the Enterprise’s refit. Nyota Uhura was now at the head of Starfleet’s linguistic department.

Spock and Bones both chose to take sabbatical leaves. After all these years spent away from his daughter, the doctor wanted to be close to her and try to make up for lost time. Joanna had been there to welcome her father when they finally returned to Earth, so completely overjoyed that it brought tears to McCoy’s eyes. Not that he would ever admit it.

Spock’s desire to leave Starfleet had not been a surprise, nor was his decision to accept collaboration with the Vulcan Science Academy, even if it was at his father’s urging. The former First Officer of the Enterprise was now leading his own team of eminent scientists and, even though he was still based at San Francisco, spent much of his time commuting between New Vulcan and Earth.

As for Jim, he officially became the youngest Admiral in the fleet and was offered the post of Chief of Operations at Starfleet Headquarters. A great honor, or so Pike kept saying. It felt less like a gift and more like a prison sentence to him.

Jim and Sulu kept in touch. Uhura had lunch with Spock at least once a week and seemed happy with her new situation. Scotty didn’t care one way or another, as long as he was allowed to stay within the walls of the Enterprise. Bones had never looked younger than he did now. And Spock-...

Spock had a new light in his eyes that spoke of the contentment he felt with their new lives. He missed the Enterprise, he missed the stars, but he also loved the routine they had settled in. The Vulcan was the one who turned their apartment into a home, who liked to prepare them dinner with fresh food, who spoke excitedly of his days at work while Jim forced himself to smile and tried to appear interested.

Everyone was happy. Thriving. Moving on.

Everyone but him.

* * *

  * _stardate 2268.96_



« How are you, Spock?»

« I am satisfied with my current situation,» the former Elder says and, God, even his voice sounds different now. Deeper and more confident. « One does not comprehend how precious the gift of youth is until time unfairly takes it away, never to return it to its owner.»

Jim smirks. « Arthrosis is a bitch, isn’t it?»

« _Indeed_.» Spock approves intently and Jim can’t help it, he laughs at the sheer ridiculousness of their lives, already feeling better than he has in days.

« This is crazy.» Jim shakes his head incredulously, smiling. « This is absurd _and_ crazy.»

« You have experienced stranger things,» Spock points out.

« I don’t know about that, Spock, this one definitely makes it to the top 3.» Jim lets out an amused snort. « I can’t believe my friend discovered the secret of immortality and refuses to share it with me.»

« Immortality implies a state of unending existence and I would like to remind you that I am, in fact, still a subject to the effects of time. However, I have to admit that the opportunity to study the aging process of this body in order to compare it to its original form is endlessly fascinating.»

Jim points a finger at him. « One day, you’re going to tell me the whole story.»

« One day, perhaps.» Spock regards him fondly for a moment. « It is extremely pleasing to hear your voice once more, old friend. We have not spoken to each other in far too long.» A pause as he hesitates. « I feared you were avoiding me.»

Jim’s smile falters. « Ah, come on, that’s not-...»

« Jim.» Well, shit. Spock has obviously no patience for his nonsense today, even though he still looks perfectly calm. « Speak truthfully, you will meet no judgment on my part.»

No, JIm supposes he won’t. Judgment is the one thing he never had to fear from this Spock. Whatever happened, no matter what mistakes he did or could do in the future, Jim has always known that this crazy Vulcan will never turn his back on him. That hasn’t changed, even if everything else about Spock has.

« I’m sorry,» Jim finally says. « You’re right. I have been avoiding you. It’s just -...» He gestures at Spock awkwardly. « It’s weird. Seeing you like this.»

Spock lifts a perfect black eyebrow and it’s so uncanny, so strange on this new and familiar face, that Jim quickly looks away once more.

« I apologize if my new physical appearance makes you uncomfortable.»

« It doesn’t make me _uncomfortable_ ,» Jim tries to protest weakly. « It’s just strange. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost my friend, and trust me, I know it’s stupid and unfair, but I just...»

_I miss the old man. I felt safe around the old man._

_It was easier to ignore the way he looked at me. Like you’re looking at me right now_.

Jim doesn’t say any of this, of course, and he keeps his head lowered, feeling an embarrassing blush rise in his cheeks. Fortunately, Spock says nothing about that, even if he’s the one who breaks the silence.

« I see,» he says carefully. As promised, there’s no judgment in his voice. In fact, he sounds more thoughtful than anything. « Perhaps it might be easier if we saw each other in person? I will be arriving on Earth in 14.8 days, would it be possible to arrange a meeting then?»

_No. Yes. No._

_Why the hell not, anyway?!_

Jim nods. « Yeah, I’d like that.»

* * *

The cafe, _Ellen's cafe_ , was nice and cozy, empty at this time of the day and giving the perfect illusion of privacy. Ideal for a meeting.

Seeing Spock in person was, in fact, harder than speaking to him through a screen. Jim pushed past the uneasiness, ignored the eerie feeling settling in his stomach and welcomed the Vulcan with an easy smile that was quickly returned.

Eventually, things got easier and Jim became at ease once more. And so they talked. About Spock’s life on New Vulcan, his side projects, how he settled into his new life and body, his plans now that he found himself a century younger. Spock answered all of his questions, then subtly brought the conversation back onto Jim.

Despite what Jim had feared, he found that to was ridiculously easy to open up to his friend. The words came out of his mouth before he even had a chance to think them through. No, he wasn’t happy. In fact, he was pretty much miserable and, god, he hated being stuck behind a desk so much that he constantly had to fight a now daily urge to destroy his lifeless office. He missed the Enterprise. He missed the adventures, his missed his crew, he missed feeling like he finally belonged somewhere. And he couldn’t say any of this to his Spock because the man was just so damn happy, and who was Jim to take that away from him by shattering the illusion?

_« It’s like I’m back to being the fucked up kid from Riverside,»_ Jim had admitted quietly. _« It’s... not a good feeling.»_

Spock just sat there and listened, absorbing Jim’s darkest secrets willingly, freeing him from a burden he hadn’t even realized he had been carrying all along. Jim felt lighter, better, cared for under Spock’s understanding gaze.

For a moment, he wondered about a life that never was, his mind bringing back memories of a wooden bench by an artificial lake, of a beautiful sunset, a kiss that could never be more. A door he had believed to be closed forever.

Things would have been different, had Spock been hit by this de-aging spell ten years ago. The Elder wouldn’t have rejected Jim then, he never would have felt forced to, and Jim would have gladly given their relationship a chance. He had cared so deeply about Spock back then, still did, and even with all the changes that had altered his life over the years, one thing still stayed the same.

This Spock could still understand him like no one else did.

A quiet admission. « _I was a fool to walk away from you._ »

Jim tried to laugh it off. « _No. You were smart. Logical. Things wouldn’t have worked between us, anyway._ »

« _Would they not have? I am not so certain._ »

Jim found himself blinking, confused. Uneasy. Why was Spock bringing that up now? They had missed their chance a long time ago and Jim was in love with his Spock now, the one that had been destined for him all along.

Unless his new situation had given the Vulcan in front of him some reason to hope? Was he trying to test the waters? See if Jim was still interested?

_Was he_?

Spock’s fingers brushed against his. Tentative. Nothing but a light touch that they both could easily ignore, should they wish to.

Still, Jim felt his breath catch in his throat, staring at their close hands in some sort of terrified wonder. He thought about pulling his fingers away, thought about laughing it off and stir the conversation onto more neutral, safe grounds, thought about a lot of thing.

Instead, he just swallowed nervously and kept his hand exactly where it was. 

* * *

At first, Jim was convinced that their first night together would be their only. In fact, he had left the apartment with the certitude that the Vulcan could no longer be a part of his life. But then Spock had expressed his desire to see him again and, for a reason Jim couldn’t even begin to understand, he had said yes. And barely a few hours after his conversation with his partner, he had been back in the other Spock’s room, fucking him through the mattress and tearing the most addictive sounds out of him.

Jim had no explanations, no way no explain why he kept seeing the newly rejuvenate Vulcan. There was a line, they had crossed it, and now something seemed to have been unlocked in him. Feelings he had ignored and kept on leash for too long.

This Spock’s desire for him was akin to a blaze, a deadly force of nature that burnt everything in its wake, so powerful that it left Jim breathless. He had never felt anything like it before, never thought it was possible to feel so much for one person.

In the back of his mind, he understood that Spock had been alone for a long time, spent these last few years torturing himself with the thought that he could never be with Jim the way he wanted to, would have to settle for a friendship that could but would never become more. So now that things were different, now that they _could_ become that something more, Spock would not hold back. And truly, he didn’t, because every time they were together, it felt like Jim was drowning in the depth of the Vulcan’s feelings for him, human recipient of a scorching desperation that had been locked up for too long.

The taste of their first night had been too addictive. Jim wanted more.

And so the affair continued.

* * *

  * _stardate 2269.43_



« Can I ask you something? » Jim asks.

Spock stops cutting his onions and turns to look at him with a lifted eyebrow. At his own insistence, he’s cooking for Jim tonight and the former Captain has to admit that it smells really good.

Spock puts his knife down on the counter, right next to where Jim has been sitting for the past 20 minutes, watching him work on his culinary arts. « Of course. »

Jim bites his lower lip, hesitates only for a moment before curiosity gets the best of him. « Haven’t you ever thought about changing your name? I mean, wouldn’t that be easier for you, especially now? »

There’s no answer at first, only the sounds of broth steaming in the cooking pot, perfuming the kitchen with a delicious, mouthwatering aroma. Spock doesn’t look troubled, which is a good thing, but he does seem to be deep in thoughts. That’s what Jim loves the most about the man, he thinks. He’ll take the time to ponder on his responses, but he’ll never deliberately lie by omission, or subtly change the subject to avoid giving a clear answer. Jim’s thankful for that.

Eventually, Spock nods his head. « It would, » he says steadily. « I envisioned doing so, once. It certainly would have been the most logical course of action to take. Particularly now, with my appearance physically altered and the resemblance to my younger counterpart far more pronounced that it had been before. »

« There’s still enough difference between you two, » Jim points out, ignoring the now usual pang of shame and sadness that always appears when he thinks of his Spock. « You’re still a little older than he is and you behave so differently that no one could possibly mistake the two of you. Put on some black contacts and you could probably pass for a close relative. »

« Perhaps I should adopt my brother’s identity, then. » Spock’s eyes are twinkling with mischievousness.

Jim snorts. « Crazy Vulcan publicly embracing his dirty emotions and throwing all logic to the wind? Yeah, that would fit too. »

Spock shakes his head in amusement and while he doesn’t lose that small smile of his that Jim adores, he slowly starts growing serious once more. Jim reaches for him, cupping his cheek and turning his face towards him. Spock follows the movement, allows Jim to pull him closer until he’s standing between his legs.

« Tell me, » Jim nudges him. 

« My world no longer exists because of my own doing. » He closes his eyes, leans forward and puts his forehead against Jim’s shoulder. «The name given to me by my parents is all I have left of that past life. Illogical as it may be, I did not wish to lose it. »

Not for the first time, Jim’s heart breaks for the Vulcan.

What must it be like? To live a long, fulfilling life and have it erased as easily as chalk on a green board? To be confronted to complete strangers wearing the faces of his loved ones and accepting the idea that he’ll never mean anything to them? To bear the burden of decades of memories that only he can and will ever remember?

Jim swallows hard, eyes strangely wet, and brings Spock’s face up to kiss him. Spock sighs into the mouth, presses his lips more firmly to Jim’s, but doesn’t try to deepen the contact. This simple touch, mouths tenderly sliding together, is all they need.

When Spock puts his hands on his thighs, Jim laughs, pulling away.

« Don’t put those hands full of onions on me, » he teases. « And didn’t you promise me dinner? »

«You are quite demanding, » Spock teases him right back, stealing one last kiss.

« And you love it. » Jim smiles against his mouth and finally pushes him away. «Now get back to the task, you lazy Vulcan. I’m starving. »

* * *

Sex with the former Elder was different.

His Spock was gentle. Not that he couldn’t rough it up a little bit in bed, but he mostly preferred to take his time, slowly mapping Jim’s body with his hands and lips, keeping him on the edge until he was shaking with the need to come. Jim always felt treasured with him, treated like something precious Spock couldn’t bear to break. Like they had all the time in the world to discover every secret hidden within each other’s bodies, cell by cell. And Jim loved him for it.

It was different with the other Spock. While he could be gentle, and indeed he had been more than once, he would usually hold onto Jim like a drowning man, dragging them both down to the endless abysses. His kisses had a desperate edge to them, his touch was possessive and he was much more vocal in his pleasure than Jim was used to, as if it was vital that Jim knew how much he wanted him.

His Spock made love to him.

This Spock tried to possess him.

* * *

  * _stardate 2269.65_



They see each other less than Spock would like and more than Jim considers wise. The Vulcan’s still based on his home planet and even if he makes a real effort to visit Earth more often, Jim can only slip away so much without his Spock noticing. It’s easier when his former First Officer is off planet, but he’s been commuting between New Vulcan and Earth a lot less lately.

The only reason Jim can even afford to be here today is because his afternoon meeting has been postponed, which leaves him only a few hours with his lover before he has to go home.

Jim moans into the kiss, arching against Spock as he rocks on the Vulcan’s lap in a slow, torturingly slow rhythm meant to prolong the pleasure, a delicious frustration that has them both panting into each other’s mouths. They rarely ever do it like this, and Jim intends to enjoy it for as long as he can.

Spock’s fingers are digging into his ass, pulling him back after each withdrawal, and Jim’s hand abandons the edge of the couch, fisting the soft black hair instead. They’ve been keeping at it for too long, and Jim’s so close. His trapped erection begs for mercy and he relishes in the feeling of Spock’s thick, pulsing cock sliding inside effortlessly. The Vulcan’s close to orgasm too and starts snapping his hips up a little harder, balls slapping against the skin of Jim’s buttocks.

«Shit, Spock _–… Ah !_ , » Jim moans deeply as Spock buries his face into the crook of his neck, mouthes at his skin until he’s panting against the hollow of his throat.

Jim throws his head back, moves a little faster on Spock’s lap to meet his thrusts until a final pressure against his prostate has him crying out in ecstasy and pushes him over the edge. He comes between their pressed chests, eyes fluttering shut as the familiar sensation of satiation settles over him.

Three more thrusts and Spock grunts, grinding into Jim’s ass as he releases his warm seed into his body at last. Jim hums pleasantly, feeling wonderfully filled and wet, and slides his hands around Spock’s shoulders, down his sweaty chest, fingers playfully threading into the short hair there.

« Feeling better? » Jim teases.

There’s no answer from his companion, only an attempt to bury his face further into the crook of Jim’s neck.

It makes him frown in surprise. « Hey, » he says soothingly, stroking his skin and dropping a kiss on the crown of his head. « Are you alright? »

Still no answer. Spock’s body is trembling. Only Jim’s starting to think that it’s not from their spectacular lovemaking.

« Spock? » he insists, frankly worried now.

It happens so fast Jim barely has time to react. Just as he tries to push Spock away so that he can at least look at his face, the man abruptly lifts his head to kiss him. Hard. Desperate. The complete opposite of the sex they’ve just had.

Jim is so flabbergasted that he awkwardly puts his hands on Spock’s shoulder, torn between putting some distance between them and returning the kiss. During that very short amount of time, Spock physically fucking lifts him, his cock sliding out of Jim in the process, and throws him back on the couch, crushing him with his weight.

He’s frantic, kissing Jim like his life depends on it, like he needs air, like he’ll die if Jim doesn’t kiss him back. That’s what convinces him to finally wrap his arm fully around the Vulcan’s neck, opening his mouth under the pressure of Spock’s tongue. His lover kisses him deeply, deeper, only easing his grip a little bit when Jim kisses him back just as ardently.

He’s breathless when Spock finally frees his mouth. But he refuses to be distracted. « Tell me what’s wrong, » he pants.

Spock shakes his head, looking as if he’s experiencing real, devastating pain. «Stay. »

Jim stills. « What? »

« I cannot watch you leave anymore, Jim. I cannot watch you return to him. It is unbearable. »

Dread fills his chest. « What are you saying? »

« Leave him. »

* * *

Some days, it felt like he and his Spock merely existed in the same space instead of actually living together lie like the couple they were supposed to be. Jim hated the distance between them, a chasm growing a little bit more with each passing moment, hated that Spock seemed to be moving on with his life without him, hated the resentment he couldn’t help but feel towards his partner.

Some days, Jim even hated _him_.

On one of those days, after weeks of avoidance, he finally called the other Spock.

* * *

  * _stardate 2268.99_



IN the shadows of a narrow alley behind Ellen’s Cafe, two men cling desperately to each other.

There’s an aggressive side to this Spock, a raw craving that doesn’t exist in his younger counterpart. His fingers dig into Jim’s hips as if he’s afraid he’ll disappear, his body presses close to Jim as if can’t bear the thought on any space left between them, and he kisses Jim with a ferocious hunger that soon steals the air out of his lungs until he’s panting helplessly against Spock’s mouth, grabbing onto his shoulders in a desperate attempt to anchor himself.

A nagging thought at the back of his mind reminds him of the insanity of their actions, but right now he doesn’t have it in himself to care. He hasn’t been this aroused in months, already so hard that his boxers feel tight, compressing his nearly painful erection. Spock pushes him against the dirty wall and grinds into him, hard and frantic and sending jolts of electricity through Jim’s entire body. He throws his head back with a loud moan, one that echoes in the dark alley around them.

He could come, just from this, Jim thinks as he feels a wandering hand grab his leg and pull it up forcedly until it ends up wrapped around Spock’s hip. The pressure of their rubbing groins is even more accentuated like this, the man grinding into him like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do. Jim buries his fingers into the black bowlcut and crushes their lips together, diving his tongue into the delicious heat of that sinful mouth, swallowing Spock’s moans avidly.

The blood in his veins sings with pleasure and he feels it, rising up and spreading, a surge of heat that burns him from the inside and has him holding onto Spock even harder as the Vulcan keeps fucking him through his clothes.

« Keep going, keep going, that’s it, I –… » Jim arches off the wall into Spock and the Vulcan presses him right back against it, burying his face in Jim’s neck and biting the skin there. « Shit. You’re so good, _you feel so good_ –… I’m nearly there, just keep going, yes, yes, _yes_ –... »

The sound of whistles hit him like a slap.

Jim snaps his eyes open and, to his horror, catches the sight of a young couple at the end of the street. They’re looking right at them. The man seems incredibly amused while his friend tries to lead him away by the hand, obviously embarrassed. Eventually, she succeeds and they both disappear at the corner, the man’s laughter still within hearing distance.

Spock had frozen right at the same time as Jim, and if his position didn’t allow him to see their unexpected audience, he still heard them loud and clear.

There’s a curtain of dread clouding Jim’s mind and it takes him a moment to fully understand the gravity of the situation. To push past the enormous knot in his stomach and visualize the scale of the betrayal he’s nearly committed. Spock’s hand still gripping his tight, they’re both still hard, pressed together from head to toe, and the Vulcan’s mouth still touching his neck, warming his skin with short breaths.

Jim feels cold all over.

« _Shit_. » He abruptly pushes at Spock’s shoulders, stumbling with the sudden disappearance of the Vulcan’s weight and nearly falling on his ass.

Spock calls his name worriedly, tries to keep him steady by grabbing his elbow, but Jim brusquely breaks away from the gentle hold, unable to bear the idea of being touched right now. Especially not by this man.

« _Don’t touch me_ , » he spits out angrily without thinking. He’s shaking all over, starring in disbelief at his own hands, lifting them to touch his neck, aching from Spock’s love bites. His skin’s still wet with saliva. « Fuck. _Fuck_. This can’t be happening –... »

Carefully keeping his distance, Spock swallows hard. « Jim, please, do not loose composure. »

Composure? It’s taking all he has to do something as simple as _breathing_. Jim can’t even fully face Spock, right now. He looks like –… Like someone who just enjoyed a quickie in public, hidden by nothing but two containers of trash.

God, what has he done?

« Please, Jim. » And Jim really needs Spock to stop saying his name with that damn tone of voice, slightly shaking and pleading. « I believe it is necessary that we discuss this and –... »

Jim lets out a disbelieving laugh, shaking his head with denial. « No way. No. I’m not –… There’s nothing _to_ discuss, Spock. We just –… We were confused. That’s all. »

Spock suddenly looks tensed. « I understand that you are troubled by our actions, » he says slowly, as if measuring the weight of each word, aware that the wrong one would send Jim running. « But I ask that you do not insult me with the mistaken presumption that we were both not cleared of minds. It would be unfair to us both to pretend otherwise.» He takes a step closer, pining Jim with his incandescent gaze. « Jim, if my affection is returned then –…»

« No, » Jim denies angrily. He takes a step back, tries to straighten his shirt as best as he can. « This never happened. »

« Jim –… »

« I’m not losing _my_ Spock over this, » Jim shuts him down immediately. « I won’t. And if you care about me at all, then you’ll drop the subject and do as I say. Forget you ever saw me today, Spock. That’s what I’ll do. «

Not waiting for an answer, Jim turns around and walks away.

* * *

The days after that disastrous meeting with the other Spock were torturous to Jim.

He had went home as discreetly as possible, head kept low and stomach in knots, irrationally convinced that everyone around him was aware of what had taken place earlier, pointing at him and judging him for his moment of weakness. Luckily, he had made it home before Spock, so taking advantage of the short time he had left, Jim had quickly grabbed the dermal regenerator – silently thanking Bones a thousand times over for his paranoia and insistence that Jim keeps their first aid kit full– and erased the blueish mark on his neck before throwing his clothes into the laundry basket and hopping into the shower.

His Vulcan partner had already returned by the time Jim got out of the bathroom, patiently waiting for him in the kitchen as he prepared their dinner, none the wiser. The next hours after that had Jim experiencing a terror of the kinds he had never previously known before, convinced as he was that Spock would read the betrayal all over his face, that he somehow already knew what happened and was waiting for Jim to come clean, that someone was going to call any minute and reveal the truth before Jim had the chance to do so himself. 

But Spock had acted perfectly normal. No one had called to rat him out. And so when they eventually went to bed with Spock wrapping his arm around Jim’s waist as per usual, Jim had finally accepted that his secret was safe and the relief washing over him was so great that he had to press his face against the sheets to keep from sobbing.

However, with the reassurance also came an eerie surge of anger towards his partner.

Because how could Spock not know? How could he live with him, see him every day, share his meals with him, fucking _sleep with him_ , and not realize that there was something wrong with Jim? How could the Vulcan look at him and _not see_ that his partner was haunted by the memory of another man’s hands on his body?

Back on the Enterprise, Spock could interpret each of his moods correctly. Hell, sometimes he would know what Jim was thinking before Jim could even put those thoughts into words. That was one of the reasons they made such an unstoppable team. What happened to that connection? Where did it go?

In the past few days alone, Jim had been terrorized, then morose, then quiet, then tensed, then downright aggressive in some of his remarks. His behavior should have worried Spock, but instead the man seemed completely unaware of Jim’s inner torment. And the problems their relationship was facing.

Jim was unhappy and either Spock couldn’t see it – which, really, what did it say about them and their chances at salvaging their couple – or Spock didn’t care.

In any case, Jim was growing more and more frustrated. Nearly driven mad by Spock’s nonchalant attitude, he was even tempted to throw his escapade with Spock’s counterpart in his face, just to get a reaction out of him, he would take anger over indifference, just something, _anything_.

Anything to show that they weren’t beyond saving.

* * *

They had a fight. Their biggest one to date. Jim threw his resentment in Spock’s face, said everything he had wanted to say for months now, only he said it _all wrong_. All so wrong. Blinded by his anger, by his desperation to just have Spock listen to him for once, he threw around harsh words and bitter accusations like they were candies, each of them hitting the Vulcan just a little more until he was shaking under what Jim had initially believed to be anger, only realizing far too late that it was something else.

Jim had been cruel. If only he had seen that earlier, perhaps it would have stopped him from committing a grave mistake later that night. That was a moot point anyway. At the time, Jim couldn’t see anything but his own misery and Spock’s role in it.

So they fought, in a moment sadly reminiscent of their confrontation on the Enterprise’s bridge all those years ago. Only this time, Spock refused to be provoked too far. So with a disgusted sight, Jim grabbed his jacket and left without looking back.

He could go to a bar. There was one not too far away from their building, only a ten minutes’ walk. Jim could go there, get shitfaced and try to forget the absolute disaster that had become his life and relationship. Yeah, that would be a good plan. Or he could--…

Yes, he could.

Truly, there was only one person he wanted to see tonight. One who also made him want to tear his hair out, but for entirely different reasons.

Not giving himself the chance to think things though, Jim changed directions and started moving towards his destination. It was late, but the streets of San Francisco were still filled with people, some coming back from a nice outing, others only beginning to enjoy their evenings. Jim made a point to avoid looking at couples, especially the blissfully happy ones.

By foot, it took him half an hour to reach the luxurious building owned by the Vulcan embassy. The doorman gave him a strange look, but didn’t protest as Jim entered the hall. One of the advantage of having a famous face. He already knew the floor, as well as the apartment number. Deliberately ignoring the elevator, he took the stairs and climbed them hurriedly.

Elevator would have been easier, but it would have also made Jim pause for too long while waiting for the engine to take him up. Pausing meant thinking. He didn’t want to think right now. So he kept moving up, muscles protesting under the effort until he finally reached the right floor, sweating, out of breath, heart racing for reasons that were entirely disconnected to his long climb.

He banged on the door, waited anxiously, banged again, and then held his breath as it opened to reveal the exact duplicate of the man he had just left behind.

The former Ambassador of Vulcan looked at him with a dumfounded look on his face, but then he seemed to see something on Jim’s face because there was no hiding the small spark of hope illuminating his eyes.

_Yes_ , Jim thought with the impression that he was going to pass out any second now. _This Spock gets me. He sees me_.

Body moving of its own volition, Jim stalked forward and grabbed Spock’s neck, pressing their lips together in a searing kiss. The Vulcan immediately responded, already pushing his tongue into Jim’s mouth, bringing him further inside his apartment.

Jim slammed the door shut behind them.

* * *

  * _stardate 2269.05_



« Jim ? »

Swallowing hard, Jim quietly closes the door behind him. « Hey, Spock. » The Vulcan’s still wearing his clothes from yesterday, face pale and dark rims around his eyes. He looks like he hasn’t slept at all.

A dark thought crosses his mind, mocking and merciless. _You didn’t get much sleep last night either_.

Bile rising in his throat, Jim looks down.

Spock seems to take his silence for a mark of lingering anger. After what he’s said to him, Jim can’t really blame him. « I would like to apologize for –…»

Jim flinches. « Please, don’t. » Spock’s apology might actually make him puke for real. Thankfully, the Vulcan respects his request.

« I would like to discuss what happened, » is what he says instead, strangely imprecise. « Yesterday, you have brought to my attention many issues regarding my behavior and I wish –… » An inability to finish his sentence. Another thing Spock never does. « Jim, I do not wish for you to terminate our relationship, » he confesses with slight tremors in his voice.

Jim looks at him for a long moment in silence. « I don’t want that either », he eventually says gently. « Just give me a minute. I’d like to take a shower first. »

The relief on Spock’s face is nearly too much. « Of course. » Jim awkwardly bypasses him to go to their room. His communicator vibrates in his pocket just as he throws his jacket on the unmade bed. He takes it out, reads the message, and the nausea gets even worse.

_« I would like to see you again._ »

A simple, to the point message that has Jim’s hands shaking so badly that he nearly drops the device. He takes a few deep breaths, looks towards the open door of the bedroom, and his fingers start typing before he can even realize what he’s doing.

_« Me too._ »

* * *

His relationship with his own Spock was the most sordid aspect of this whole perverted situation. Not just because Jim was cheating on the man he loved with another version of him, but because, eventually, things got _better_ between them _._

As promised, they talked openly about the issues raised during their big fight, each making a real effort to try to understand the other. Spock had apologized profusely for his behavior, but also quietly pointed out that Jim had been acting odd for a year now, ever since he was promoted Admiral.

Despite what he seemed to believe, his displeasure about the promotion, as well as their new living arrangements, had been known to Spock. And if he _had_ tried to reach out to Jim the first few months, attempting to make the transition into their new life easier and doing his best to appease his partner’s sorrows, eventually, he had simply given up. After all, he may have been more comfortable with the subject of emotions, but he was still Vulcan. There were some things he simply could not comprehend.

So when faced with the lack of response from Jim, Spock had incorrectly assumed that the man didn’t need him and, feeling more than out of his depth, convinced himself that he would come to terms with the permanent changes on his own.

And Jim –… Okay, looking back, he could recognize that there was some truth in Spock’s words; he had tried. Really. Jim had simply been too lost into his own head to see it.

One conversation hadn’t mended the rift, of course, but it was a good start. At the end of it, Jim had been hopeful, feeling like he finally mattered, like Spock was finally seeing him once more.

Like the connection that had first brought them together could still thrive if they wished it to.

Slowly, surely, they learned how to exist around one another again, to give each other the space they needed, to communicate and listen, be considerate and mindful of their partner’s needs. It felt nice. Good. And when Jim finally kissed Spock after weeks of not touching each other, he nearly cried in joy because _there it was_. That feeling of contentment, light and bright and devoid of any resentment, infused with a mix of lust and affection and love that had Jim tightening his arms around Spock and refusing to let go.

Things were good. They were more than good.

So why was he ruining everything?

* * *

  * _stardate 2269.32_



« Was it like this? » Jim asks one night as he slowly traces the scar on the back of Spock’s hand, eyes fixed on that white mark that changed their lives irrevocably. « With him? Were you two ever….»

He doesn’t finish his sentence, doesn’t feel like he needs to. The implication is clear enough.

Next to him, Spock seems lost in thoughts. « No,» he answers quietly. « He was my dear friend, my Captain, my T’hy’la, and mere words are not enough to describe the depth of my affection for him. However –...» Spock sighs, threading his fingers with Jim’s. « James Kirk was not my mate. Perhaps our relationship could have evolved romantically, had we allowed it to. I do not know and it matters not. Our commitment to each other was not lessened because it. »

Jim hums thoughtfully, ponders on this for a moment, then brings their hands up to press a kiss to Spock’s scar. _Is that why we’re doing this?_ he ponders silently as he drags his lips over Spock’s wrist. _Are you chasing after the one who got away?_ Spock rolls them over, presses the length of his body against Jim’s, brush their mouths together. _Am I the second chance you never had with him?_ He kisses his way down Jim’s neck, his chest, pausing just a moment to tease his nipples and tear a few frustrated groans out of Jim before making his way down once more. _I’m risking everything for you and I don’t even know why_. Jim feels Spock’s breath on his inner thigh and closes his eyes in delicious anticipation, burying his fingers in the dark bowlcut. _This has no future and we both know it_.

He never speaks those thoughts out loud, just arches off the mattress, head thrown back onto his pillow, a long guttural moan escaping him as Spock’s talented tongue pushes into him eagerly.

Everything else disappears after that.

* * *

They talked about Pon Farr, once.

Being in a relationship with a touch telepath while carrying an affair with said telepath’s double meant being constantly afraid of emitting the wrong thing at the wrong time, and Jim obviously couldn’t just stop touching his Spock. Luckily, the solution to that problem was easy enough to find. As young as he may appear to be, the other Spock was still over a century old, with more knowledge and experience on telepathic abilities and control than any other Vulcan alive. He was one of the last few who could still pass on the precepts of kolinahr; a master in all but name.

Teaching Jim how to shield some of his memories and thoughts had not been a stress-free task. He was impatient and lacked control, but his perseverance more than made up for any of his failings. So they practiced and trained until the former Ambassador himself couldn’t detect anything without intentionally pushing too far. Eventually, Jim stopped being afraid of brushing sides with his partner and regained some peace of mind.

They celebrated this achievement over a nice dinner and that was when Spock brought up the subject, remarking that Jim’s shields were strong enough to protect him even in the event of Pon Farr. Not entirely of course, the ritual involved a meeting of two bonded minds after all, but enough to keep some incriminating memories from his Vulcan partner.

That made Jim pause for a moment. He honestly hadn’t even thought about it, considering that his Spock still had a few more years before he had to go through the Fever.

« _You’re older than he is_ , » Jim pointed out.

Spock was unperturbed. « _Fortunately, regaining my youth did not strip away my training, and my control is still as optimum as it ever was. I have not needed a partner to help me through the fever in 72.7 years and should I decide to take one again, a full bond would not be necessary to complete the ritual. You need not worry, Jim_. »

Jim felt uneasy. « _Is that something you’re considering_? » he asked cautiously.

Spock didn’t even pretend to misunderstand. He looked right at Jim, observed him for a few seconds, and Jim did not know exactly what the Vulcan saw on his face, just that it made him casually remarking: « _I would not be adverse to the idea, I suppose. »_

They quickly dropped the subject after that.

A few months later, Jim received a cryptic message that he easily discovered to be coordinates. Conveniently, his Spock’s presence was demanded on New Vulcan at the same time and Jim said nothing as the Vulcan apologized and explained that the matter was urgent enough that he would be gone for at least two weeks.

He stayed put that first day, communicator burning in his pocket, hating himself for even thinking about playing into his lover’s crazy schemes. Then the second night came and Jim yielded to the temptation, packing a small bag and leaving his empty apartment behind.

* * *

  * _stardate 2269.93_



It happens in one of those independent theater showing exclusively classics and indie movies. The kind that’s only ever filled on the evenings, but are almost always empty during the day. A small, simple theater amongst other hundreds in a big city.

The chances of running into an acquaintance there were poor. And yet.

The day started normally enough. After their breakfast at their usual cafe, Jim had dragged Spock to his favorite theater in town, ignoring the man’s feeble protests. They have so little time together as it is, wasting it watching a movie seems foolish. Jim can understand the reluctance, but oddly enough, he wants them to enjoy these sort of normal activities together. Ever since they started seeing each other romantically, in some ways, they’ve stopped treating one another like the friends they once were. Their meetings are always hidden under the cover of secrecy and they scarcely ever leave Spock’s room when they’re together.

Jim misses the more simple times where he could walk side by side with this man without being slowly suffocated to death by the fear of being found out. And so, if only for a short moment, he wants something different.

Sitting comfortably in his red seat as they wait for the movie to start, Jim holds back a snort as he catches Spock’s expression. The Vulcan seems displeased, harboring an adorable pout whose existence he would deny until his dying day.

Jim smoothly slides a hand on the man’s his inner tight, enjoying the way Spock holds his breath as he leans closer to whisper against his ear.

« Look around you, Spock, » Jim whispers seductively, lightly biting the lobe of the Vulcan’s ear when he does just that. « Screening room’s empty. And it’ll stay empty because this is a morning session and no one ever comes to those. Soon, we’ll be in the dark and I’ll teach you a very special Earth custom regarding couples left alone in a movie theater. » Spock groans, turns his head to crush his lips against Jim’s, grabbing the back of neck and pulling him close, tongue begging for entrance. Which Jim accords eagerly, just as fervent as they devour each other’s mouths and grope each other with a lack of decency that would get them thrown out of any respectable public place.

When they break apart, Jim’s out of breath and laughing. « Behave. »

Less to say, Spock no longer has any objections and, interest renewed, he settles back into his seat. Jim figures they still have time to grab some popcorn. Dropping a quick kiss on Spock’s cheek, he gets up and started climbing up the steps of the screening room. On the top row, he’s surprised to see a coat and scarf left on a single seat. Hum. Not as alone as he’s thought, then.

Pushing the swing door opened, he crashes into someone, barely managing to catch her popcorn before it fell on the ground. Then Jim looks up and his entire being freezes in crushing terror.

* * *

  * _stardate 2269.05_



« We made a mistake, » Jim whispers in the darkened room, lying on the bed and staring at nothing.

An hesitant hand comes to touch his shoulder. « Was it ? » Spock dares to ask, just as quietly. « You chose to come to me the night before. And then you chose to return today, not unaware that it would result in this situation. » Jim feels the gentle touch of Spock’s lips on his collarbone. « The result was not unintentional, nor unwanted. Therefore, how can it possibly be considered a mistake? »

A tired sigh escapes him. « Spock--... »

« I have desired this for so long, _Ashayam_ , » Spock croaks as he slides his mouth alongside Jim’s neck, making him shiver. « You have breathed life back into this body of mine. Would you be so cruel as to reclaim such priceless gift? »

Jim swallows hard. « We’re giving it another go, » He confesses. « My Spock and I. We talked and--… We want to try. _I_ want to try. I don’t know why I’m here, Spock. But I know that I love him. That’s all I know. How is that fair to you? »

Spock says nothing at first, then slowly moves down to put his head on Jim’s chest. Jim’s hand hovers in the air for a few seconds before he allows his fingers to thread through the black hair.

« Allow me to be the judge of what behavior towards my person can be considered fair or not, » Spock says. « You need not to make a choice, Jim. I know far too well how important my young counterpart is to you and I would never ask you to prefer me over him. This is enough. »

« And it doesn’t bother you? » A touch of anger marks Jim’s words, even if his hand stays gentle. « That we’re betraying him? That he would be devastated if he ever found out? Don’t you care? »

« No. » The answer is direct, spoken unashamedly and with so much conviction that it leaves Jim speechless. His body tenses and Spock tightens his grip on him. « I have been alone for a long time, Jim, now that I have been gifted with your affection, I refuse to lose it so swiftly. Selfishness is a trait common to our two species, and I never claimed to be a good man. »

« You are, » Jim says uneasily. « To me, you are. »

Spock brings his head up, pushes a kiss onto Jim’s lips, which Jim accepts with an almost pained groan, the tip of his fingers rubbing the nape of Spock’s neck as he opens his submissive mouth under the Vulcan’s imploring one, allowing him to deepen the kiss.

Jim hears the silent pleading as well as if it had been shouted in the room. And he caves. « Okay, » he whispers shakily against Spock’s mouth. « Okay, Spock. »

* * *

Right outside the screening room of a theater, Jim felt his world crashing down around him.

He knew that woman. She used to work with Spock before suddenly announcing that she was quitting everything to go to law school. Jim didn’t remember her name, he had never even had a single conversation with her, but he still knew her story through Spock. Because the Vulcan had been her superior at the time and was one of the few who had supported her decision to start over.

Jim knew this woman and she knew him. _She knew Spock._

And judging by the blush on her cheeks and her inability to meet his eyes for too long, she had witnessed the impromptus make out session in there.

The blood in his veins was turning to ice, shrapnels that were cutting him from the inside, and he couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, could barely hear this stranger’s embarrassed greeting and her quick explanation as to what she was doing here. Something about a cancelled class. 

But she wasn’t judging him, her eyes weren’t accusatory like they should have been. In fact, she kept repeating again and again that she was well aware of Vulcans ‘ disposition towards public displays of affection as well as the importance they accorded to their privacy and that she would be sure to stay discreet as to not embarrass him –…

It clicked then. This woman, who unknowingly now held his life within her hands, thought that the man she had seen inside that screening room was the Spock she knew.

The relief was such that Jim thought he was going to pass out. His knees nearly gave out under him and the woman stopped talking, asking him worriedly if he was alright. It took every bit of his self-control to smile politely and reassure her that he was fine. He thanked her for her discretion and made sure to accentuate how important it was that she never breathed a word of what she had witnessed to Spock. He would feel too humiliated.

Jim watched as she nodded her head vigorously, assuring him once more of her silence, before finally leaving to join her seat. There was no light filtering out when she pushed the swing door opened. The movie must have started. Another Spock was waiting for him inside.

Struck with the eerie impression of being trapped in a bad dream, Jim turned around and fled.

* * *

  * _stardate 2269.93_



« ... –she saw us, Spock, do you understand that? _She saw us_. »

He’s pacing in the living room like a caged lion under Spock’s careful gaze. Left alone at the theater, the Vulcan had quickly followed Jim back to his apartment once he realized that he wouldn’t return.

His presence at Jim’s place is putting him even more on edge.

« I understand that this unexpected meeting has troubled you, however, you have been assured of her silence on the matter and –... »

« It doesn’t mean anything! » Jim yells frantically. « I don’t know this woman. Her promises aren’t worth shit to me. She could talk to a friend, unintentionally spread rumors about a famous Admiral and his Vulcan lover, bump into my Spock one day and accidently tell him what she saw. Anything could happen and you know it. » Jim pushes a frustrating hand through his hair. « Fuck. _Fuck_. »

« Please, calm down, » Spock says soothingly, getting up from the couch and walking towards Jim. The blonde doesn’t protect as his friend slowly put a gentle hand on his upper arm, bringing him closer until Jim could press his forehead against Spock’s shoulder. The Vulcan’s fingers move on Jim’s lower back. 

« Peace, » Spock tries to appease him.

They spend a moment in complete silence, Jim trying to push past the dozen of dark thoughts filling his head, Spock patiently waiting for him to calm down.

There are so many scenarios, so many possibilities, all leading to one inevitable endgame: his Spock finds out. And that’s unacceptable.

« We need to stop seeing each other, » Jim mumbles against the Vulcan’s shoulder.

Spock’s whole body tenses at once. Jim swallows hard, takes a step back, and forces himself to face his lover. Spock’s eyes are filled with the sort of fearful uncertainty that only comes with the knowledge of a coming loss.

Jim takes a deep breath, forces the words out of his mouth. « I’ve been thinking about this for a little while now, » he confesses quietly. « It’s too risky. I can’t do it anymore. »

« You have always aware of the risks, » Spock says severely. « Nothing has changed. »

« Maybe I have, » Jim answers quietly. « I can’t keep doing this to him. »

He can recognize the signs of anger. Lips forming a thin line, tight jaw, shoulders held straight and rigid.

Spock has never looked at him like that before. It hurts.

« You would disregard me as easily as a mere dog? » Spock’s voice is carefully controlled here. Perhaps the biggest sign of his anger. « You would dishonor our bond in such manner? »

Jim swallows hard. « I don’t know what else to do. »

The answer is instantaneous. « Leave him. »

It’s Jim’s turn to feel the first threads of anger coursing through him. « We’ve talked about this. It’s not happening. »

« You have spoken your opinion and yet constantly forbad me from doing the same, » Spock accuses. « I refuse to stay silent any longer. » His eyes were glowing with ire. « I understand that my young counterpart is important to you. However, the lack of faithfulness on your part cannot be ignored in this case. Ask yourself why, Jim. You are not a cruel man, nor are you deprived of any self-control. Why allow for this masquerade to continue for so long? »

« Shut up, » Jim growls.

« I have long since assessed that your desperation to maintain this farce of a relationship was nothing more but a hopeless attempt to spare him the painful knowledge that he is simply _not enough_ to satisfy you. »

Jim barely realizes he’s moving. But then his hands are fisting Spock’s shirt and his voice is shaking with barely restrained anger. « Stop talking _now_. »

Spock grips his wrists, doesn’t back down from the challenge. « It is your wish to preserve Spock, but you cannot protect him indefinitely. For once, Jim, cease lying to yourself and speak truthfully. You kept returning to me for the sole reason that I could give you everything that he could not. Otherwise, our affair would not have lasted for as long as it has. »

« Are you done? » Jim spits out in quiet disgust. At himself or Spock, he can’t tell. « You’re hurt, and you’re angry, so I’ll let this pass. But never try to imply again that I’m staying with Spock out of pity. » He shakes the Vulcan firmly. Once. « You’ve always known. _Always_. If there was ever a time where I had to make a choice between the two of you, I’d pick him. »

« Then you condemn us three to a misery that could have been avoided, had you demonstrated a little bravery. »

« You don’t get it, » Jim says bitterly. « You think I’m scared of hurting his feelings. But I’m fucking terrified of _him_ leaving _me_. » He lets go of the Vulcan, but the man doesn’t release him in return. « He’s everything to me, Spock. I can’t lose him. I won’t. »

« And I cannot lose you. » As easily as that, the mask of cold indifference cracks and when Spock pressed their foreheads together a little desperately, Jim feels his own anger melting away, leaving nothing but lingering sadness behind. « Please, Jim. Do not ask me to walk away. The punishment is too grand, I cannot bear it. »

Jim’s heart breaks. « You can, because you’re the strongest person that I know. » His arms circle Spock’s neck. « I love you, Spock. I do. And I’m so, so sorry that it’s not enough. » His eyes burn with unshed tears and he chokes off a sob. « Forgive me. »

Spock’s voice breaks on his name and, suddenly, they’re kissing. Hard and frantic and desperate, a last kiss that will last them a lifetime. Jim groans as Spock lifts him entirely off the floor and wraps his legs automatically around the Vulcan’s waist, fingers clumsily unbuttoning his shirt as the man walks them towards the bedroom.

The rest happens in a blur of kisses and unshed clothes, of deep moans and obscene sounds of skin slapping against skin. Spock seems intent on leaving his marks everywhere; in the room, on Jim’s body, perhaps even is soul. All Jim knows is that he won’t ever be able to look at the bed without remembering the way another Spock had fucked him into it. Won’t ever be able to touch these sheets without remembering how they had felt, drenched with their sweats and other bodily fluids. Won’t ever be able to look at that small spot of damaged pain without remembering how the headboard had rhythmically hit surface of the wall as his Vulcan lover fucked his brains out.

In the privacy of their own home, Jim will never be able to make love to his Spock without remembering how this one had possessed him entirely, desperate and brutal. He will never be free. This Spock is making sure of that.

But right now, he’s too far gone to care. So he spreads his legs, wants to feel the Vulcan even deeper inside, whispers his darkest desires against a pointy ear as Spock pounds into him without a shred of control until Jim comes with whimper, only picking up the pace afterwards. Keeps slamming inside until the filthy whispers become desperate pleadings, until Jim can do nothing but hold onto Spock’s sweat slicked back, until he feels himself becoming hard again and sobs in a delicious mix of pain and pleasure, until he is convinced that Spock is just going to break him apart.

This time, they reach their release together and Jim bites Spock’s shoulders to muffle his scream when he explodes into his orgasm, eyes rolling into the back of his head even as he tightens his inner walls around the pulsing cock, intent on milking Spock dry. The man fills him with his scorching seed, tainting Jim in the most intimate parts of his body, leaving his indelible mark deep inside him, something Jim will never be able to erase.

His head falls back and Spock bends down to follow him, kisses him like he’s trying to rip something from Jim, something the Vulcan will _not_ give back, and Jim can do nothing but take it, take the anger and the desperation as Spock plows his tongue into the blonde’s mouth with near savagery, fisting Jim’s hair and pulling his head back harshly.

Eventually, Jim feels the Vulcan newly formed erection slide against his spent cock. He whines as Spock releases his mouth, sitting back and putting his hands on Jim’s thighs. Still reeling from that devastating kiss, Jim pants loudly, breathless, but he’s not even given the opportunity to inhale before Spock grips his hips and throws him forcedly onto his stomach. Spreading his legs automatically, Jim buries his face into his pillow, fingers tearing at the sheets desperately as Spock buries himself into him once more, burning cock sliding easily inside slick channels, balls slapping against the sensitive skin of his buttocks with each powerful thrust.

Jim doesn’t remember passing out, but when he wakes up, Spock’s gone.

* * *

  * _stardate 2269.97_



« Hey Spock, » Jim says quietly in the room, knowing that his partner hasn’t fallen asleep yet. « Let’s change the mattress tomorrow. »

He doesn’t need to see it to feel the man lift a curious eyebrow. « This one is a recent purchase. Do you find it defective? »

Jim shrugs, tightens his grip on Spock’s waist and kisses the nap of his neck lightly. « Kind of ? » He closes his eyes, lets out a steady breath, thinks of the ruined white sheets he had burned and thrown away a few weeks ago. « I just don’t sleep well on it, that’s all. »

* * *

It took him a while to get over Spock.

On the worst days, it felt like someone had ripped his guts, violent, brutal and painful. When Jim had woken up alone without the former Elder in his bed, he was nearly reluctant to use the derma regenerator on the marks his lover had left on his body, feeling like he was erasing something he didn’t want to lose. That first night, he had taken residence in the living room with only a bottle of Romulan ale for company.

His only saving grace came in the form of his Spock’s absence. The Vulcan had been attending a conference off planet at the time, giving enough time for Jim to just get over himself and stop acting like a heartbroken fool.

He had always known that it would end this way, that leaving the other Spock would hurt, but not like this. Not this much. What right did he have to grieve for a relationship that never should have existed in the first place? To miss something so completely perverse?

Still, he picked himself up and found peace in his Spock’s arms, a comfort given unknowingly by his Vulcan partner. Eventually, the pain became bearable, giving way to a strange impression of freedom that made him feel lighter than he had been in months.

For so long, Jim had been convinced that he and the former Elder were good for each other, and it took their brutal separation for him to open his eyes and realize how wrong he had been. Not just wrong, _delusional_.

It felt like he had been living with his head underwater for months and was now finally taking his first breath of fresh air. Like the strange haze that had settled around his thoughts was finally gone and he could now think with a cleared mind once more. Everything seemed different, everything looked different, and reflecting on his past behavior made him so nauseous that the taste of bile seemed to have taken permanent residence in his throat.

How? How could he let his affair with the former Ambassador of Vulcan go on for so long? How did he even manage to hold onto all those meaningless excuses he would use to justify his appalling decisions? How could he cheat on Spock, _his_ Spock, the _only_ Spock that mattered, and think that it was okay as long as he didn’t choose his older counterpart over him? What in the seven hells was wrong with him?

What was wrong with them both?

But even as he pondered the question, Jim already knew the answer. They had been weak. They had been lost, thrown into a whirlwind of feelings that had less to do with each other and more to do with the ghosts of their pasts, and in his confusion and loneliness, Jim had crossed a line he could never come back from. He loved the other Spock, he did, and the Vulcan loved him too, of that he had no doubt. But Jim would always be his second chance at life with the other Kirk. Just like this Spock would always be Jim’s safety net. That was what brought them together in the first place, only they were too blind to see that instead of helping one another, they were bringing each other down.

Their friendship could have never survived this and that, more than anything, was what broke Jim’s heart.

Still, he kept going. Woke up in the morning, went to work, came home to the man he loved and went to sleep beside him.

What else could he do?

* * *

  * _stardate 2270.11_



« Are you alright, Jim ? »

Jim blinks, snapped out of his thoughts by Spock’s concerned voice. His partner's looking at him, brows slightly furrowed, the worry in his kind eyes unmistakable. Jim forces a smile and joins him on the sofa.

« Why wouldn’t I be? » he tries to deflect, even though he already knows he won’t work. Spock gives him an unimpressed look and Jim sighs, putting his head on the Vulcan’s shoulder, feeling the thick material of his robes under his temple. « I’m just tired, I guess. They’ve been drowning me in useless paperwork these last few days and I’m reaching my limit. »

Spock puts his PADD on the coffee table and settles more comfortably on the sofa next to Jim, bringing his hand up to gently rub the back of his neck. « Perhaps we could both benefit from a short vacation? »

« You? Willingly taking days off? My, aren’t we spontaneous today, » Jim lets out a small, amused chuckle.

But Spock’s voice keeps its serious tone. « I am not jesting, Jim. You are tired and unhappy, and it pains me to see you so. »

« It’s just work, Spock. I appreciate the offer, but none of us can afford to skip on our duties right now. »

« I could cancel my appointments on New Vulcan, » Spock says quickly. « Or you could accompany me--... »

« No, » Jim cuts him off firmly, cursing himself silently at his too strong reaction and hating the familiar pang of sadness in his chest. _Don’t think about him, don’t you fucking dare_. « No, » he says more gently. « It wouldn’t help. Trust me. »

He doesn’t know how Spock interprets his words. But the Vulcan is undeterred. « Then I demand that you allow me to offer some comfort, if I can. What do you need? »

Jim doesn’t anything at first, but then he stops Spock’s tender caresses by grabbing his hand and threading their fingers together. « This is enough, Spock, » he promises and finds that he somehow means it. « Just this. Just you. » He brings their joined hands to his lap, traces small circles onto Spock’s scarless skin.

_I don’t need anyone else._

_You’re enough._

_I promise._

* * *

« _I could not bear it if you left me,»_ the former Elder had once said, whispered, really, like a shameful secret that should not be spoken out loud, let alone shared.

Jim hadn’t said anything, hadn’t tried to comfort Spock with meaningless lies and empty promises he could not possibly keep, just kissed him and kissed him and kissed him until Spock held onto him like a drowning man, desperate for salvation.

* * *

  * _stardate 2270.53_



When Jim comes home that day, he’s immediately accosted by two voices arguing in the living room, one he recognizes as Spock, the other more feminine and a little distorted. Quietly putting his suitcase against the wall, he gets a little closer, not making his presence known at first.

« … did not inform me of the status of your relationship with Admiral Kirk?»

« T’Pring, » Spock sighs, sounding like he’s already pronounced her name in that exact same tone a thousand times already. « You need not concern yourself with my personal affairs. »

Jim’s eyes widen in surprise. _T’ Pring_ , he thinks incredulously. _His ex? What the—…?_

« Spock, you cannot trust this man. He is human. Moreover, he is a human _male_ prone to activities which—…»

« That is quite enough, » Spock cuts her off tensely. « You will not disrespect my mate in my presence. »

Jim holds back a snort. Well. He has almost forgotten how prejudicial some Vulcans could be.

Already exasperated by this conversation, Jim leaves them to their dispute and walks towards the kitchen to get a glass of water. He can still hear their raised voices, and how exactly Vulcans could get into verbal fights without making it seem like they were actually fighting, Jim will never know, but in any case he’s not making a real effort to listen to their quarrel. « _… tutelage … healer … untainted bond …»_ Jim is just about to take his jacket off when something catches his attention. « _…Ambassador_...»

That makes him pause. They couldn’t possibly be talking about—… Jim frowns and starts listening more intently.

« T’Pring, you are a remarkable woman whose judgment I greatly respect. You are not unaware of that. However, you are currently pushing the boundaries of decency and I urge you not to forget your place. What you are implying—…»

« Spare me your lies, Spock. You cannot pretend to respect my judgment while doubting the veracity of my words, as well as my intentions, in the same breath, » T’Pring interrupts him coldly. « Share the news with your mate. Observe his reaction. Should I be wrong, then I will offer my apologies and never speak of such matter again. You have my word. »

The familiar sound of a communicator disconnecting and then nothing more.

« Spock, » Jim calls him hesitantly. « Everything’s okay? »

He watches as Spock’s shoulders tense, obviously startle by Jim’s sudden presence. That makes him even more curious, and a little worried too, because it usually takes a lot to surprise the imperturbable Vulcan. Still, Spock turns around calmly. But something in his posture, in the way he quietly observes Jim, makes the blond terribly uncomfortable.

« Spock? » Jim clears his throat nervously, forces some authority into his voice. « Tell me what’s wrong. »

Spock still says nothing at first, but then he puts the communicator on the table, letting out a short sigh.

« 17.8 days ago, the Vulcan envoy sent to Romulan was attacked by a radical group, » Spock announces gravely. « My older counterpart was amongst the dignitaries. » Jim inhales sharply. « He was wounded, but T’Pring assured me of his wellbeing and predicts a total recovery by the end of the month. She was the one who treated his injuries and assumed that I would like to be kept informed on his status. »

Shock. He’s allowed to be shocked, right? « Jesus, » Jim croaks. « Is Spock alright? »

« He is, » Spock says and, still looking at Jim with that too tranquil expression on his face, gets up from the couch. « And he is currently recovering in San Francisco. I am surprised that he did not attempt to contact you. You are, after all, his friend. »

Jim forces himself not to look away. « We haven’t spoken in a long time, you know. Things change. »

« Indeed, » Spock approves thoughtfully. « Perhaps we should pay him a visit, I am sure he will appreciate the company. »

« Yeah, » Jim says weakly. « Yeah, I’m sure he would. »

Spock nods and leaves the room. Jim waits until he’s sure the Vulcan won’t see him to finally allow himself to falter, putting a fist to his mouth to keep from screaming.

* * *

The silence around them was tensed and awkward. Not for the first time, Jim wondered if he should have come here with his partner instead of showing up alone, even though he knew he wouldn't have done it any differently. Ever since Spock told him about the attack, he had been desperate to see his friend face to face and make sure he was truly alright. With all the history between them, coming here with someone else, with _Spock_ , wouldn't have felt... right.

The Ambassador of Vulcan looked… exactly the same as he did the last time Jim saw him. Perhaps a little tired, but good. Healthy. So damn attractive that it took Jim’s breath away when the man had first opened his door to him.

On the table was placed a cup of Jim’s favorite tea. This Spock hated the taste or that particular brand but always used to buy some for Jim. And he remembered using the last of the leaves the last time he was here. He deliberately tried not to think about what it meant.

Seeing Spock again, after all this time, was harder than Jim had first believed it would be. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that enough time had passed, that he could handle a simple meeting with an old friend, the truth was far more complicated and he couldn’t pretend that being back in this very apartment wasn’t upsetting.

These walls had protected them from the outside world, once, gave them a safe place as they lost themselves in the throes of passion. Jim had fucked Spock on that couch. Had been given a blowjob right next to that lamp. Had allowed Spock to take him on that carpet, leaving his knees raw afterwards.

He also had some more simple, affectionate memories. Like how Jim would sit on the kitchen counter and distract Spock with playful kisses. Or how he would lay with his head on Spock’s lap and just enjoy the way the Vulcan’s talented fingers massaged his scalp. How they could talk about anything for hours without interruption.

That easiness was gone now and Jim didn’t want to pretend that it wasn’t. Spock knew he would come, as well as the reason of his presence here, so better cut to the chase without any more forced casual conversations that were only painful to them both.

« _You should have told me,_ » Jim said tersely.

« _For what purpose? You have made your feelings clear during our last encounter. It is not my desire to interfere with your life and happiness once more. »_

_« Stop it. You know that I care about you, that’s never going to change. So next time you nearly get yourself killed, don’t let me hear it by someone else._ »

Spock apologized and eventually, there was nothing more left to say. His Spock was waiting for him. It was time to go home.

Jim got up, so did Spock, and they simply looked at each other for a short moment before Jim smiled and offered the Ta’al. Spock lifted an eyebrow in amusement and raised his hand in return. With one last nod, Jim turned around and walked away, quietly shutting the door behind him.

* * *

  * _stardate 2270.42_



« Jim», his partner breathes between two kisses. « Our departure should have taken place 20.4 minutes ago. We will miss our shuttle, should we delay any longer. »

« That’s okay, we’ll just catch the next one,» Jim smiles against Spock’s jawline, tugging his white shirt out of his pants. « Damn, you look good today. »

« I am glad you think so. However, allow me to point out that the Doctor will surely be displeased by our tardiness,» Spock remarks, not making a single move to stop Jim from unbuttoning his shirt.

Jim snorts. « And that changes from his usual mood how…? »

Spock lifts an eyebrow, hands sliding down Jim’s sides. « I do not wish to be the subject of his ire and incredibly poor temper. »

« Don’t lie, annoying Bones is one of your favorite pastime,» Jim says with a playful grin. « Spock. I’m horny. Less talking and more fucking, please. »

To his great delight, Spock lets out an amused snort, something he only ever does when he finds Jim adorably illogical. Not that he would ever say that. « Far be it for me to deny you your needs, Ashayam. »

« Good.» Jim tangles his fingers in the soft black hair and tugs a little, enjoying the way Spock’s eyes darken at the gesture. « Then what are you waiting for? »

With a small growl, Spock picks him up and, muffling Jim’s laughter with his lips, walks them back towards the bedroom.

* * *

The day Jim was introduced to the younger version of Ambassador Spock, the shock was such that it took him a few minutes to remember that he had been gifted with the ability to talk. The man on his screen looked absolutely identical to his First Officer, and suddenly, the easiness with which Jim could differentiate the two men was gone. He searched for it, desperately tried to hold onto that skill he had taken for granted, but there was nothing. Only confusion, mixed with something Jim couldn’t recognize at the time.

3 months later, in a dark alley near a discreet café where his friend was kissing him like it was all he wanted to do for the rest of his life, Jim finally managed to put a name onto that feeling.

* * *

The room was immersed in darkness, nothing but shadows inhabiting it, hiding two shapes tangled together and moving in tandem on the now soaked and dirty sheets, rocking together wildly as they chased after the satiation of sweet release.

A shift of Spock’s hips, a brush against Jim’s prostate, and the blonde was tossing his head back on his pillow, moan caught in his throat. « _R—… Right there, love. »_ His hands roamed all over Spock’s back, all that glorious bare skin covered in a fine sheen of sweat, and oh, how he loved the sensation of the burning length moving inside of him, the feel of his lover's muscles flexing under his hands, the pressure of his weight pressing him down the mattress.

« _Jim_ , » Spock whined, looking as if in pain. _« You are exquisite—… Jim—…»_

« _Anything,_ » Jim breathed incoherently, threading his fingers into Spock’s thick hair and kissing him as deeply as he could, fighting against his need for air until he couldn’t anymore and they had to break apart, panting harshly against each other’s mouth. « _Anything you want._ »

Spock paused, slipped his arms behind Jim’s knees to lift his legs even higher, holding them in the crooks of his elbows. Stifling Jim’s answering cry with his mouth, he then resumed his previous rhythm, powerful thrusts that slowly drove Jim into a mindless state of ecstasy, the new position and constant push against his prostate leaving him shaking and begging for more as their hips unrelentingly rut together.

_« Spock, please—…»_

_« Jim, I cannot—…»_

_« Yes, yes, I want—…»_

Jim scrambled to grip the headboard above him, arching off the creaking mattress and into the alien body heat, scorching pleasure building within him as he urged Spock on, encouraging him with mindless pleas.

Spock grinded hard against Jim's buttocks, and their position made his muscles pull and burn under the strain, but Jim couldn’t even bring himself to care, could do nothing but push back to meet Spock’s fierce thrusts until he finally felt it, the way his lover’s body tensed entirely above him, an animalistic sound tearing out of his throat as he exploded into his orgasm at last.

Jim welcomed the surge of hot seed within him with a long moan, barely registering Spock putting his legs down, reaching between them to grab Jim’s painful and leaking erection, pumping it just the way he liked. Jim cried out, scratching at the Vulcan’s chest as he felt his climax overtaking him, spasms wracking his entire body and leaving him shaking and drained.

And then it was over.

« _Shit_ , » Jim rasped, trying to catch his breath.

Above him, Spock was panting harshly, but that didn’t stop him from bending down and pressing his lips to Jim’s, greedy, hungry, their tongues sliding and rolling around one another in between hard drawn breaths until Jim had to push against Spock’s chest to get him off. Spock was reluctant and managed to get one last kiss before he pulled away, tremors racking through his body, and then they simply looked at each other for a few seconds, solemn and grave.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Spock put his fingers over Jim’s, the scar on the back of his hand seeming to glow unnaturally in the darkness. Jim swallowed hard, pushed against Spock’s chest once more, and the Vulcan finally withdrew, letting out a quiet gasp as he did so before falling on his side next to Jim.

It occurred to him that his Spock was probably wondering where he was by now.

_« Do not regret this, »_ Spock pleaded quietly.

Jim said nothing. Blinked at the ceiling and didn’t react when Spock hesitantly tangled their fingers together.

Well, fuck.

* * *

  * _stardate 2270.56_



Once he’s out of the apartment, Jim drops the smile and pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing in frustration. He hadn’t been prepared for the upsurge of old feelings flowing over him, subdued but still there. Still strong enough to tempt him once more.

It’s hard, knowing that he’s just behind the closed door and a simple knock from Jim would change everything once more.

He starts walking away, shaking his head at his own foolishness, and has just reached the elevator when he hears the sound of a door opened in hurry and quick footsteps behind him.

« Jim ! »

Jim stops. Doesn’t turn around. Closes his eyes as he feels the heat of a familiar body behind him. Swallows hard when a hand slides over his own and entwines their fingers together.

« Spock... » he warns quietly. The Vulcan was so close that he could feel his breath on the back of his neck.

Hesitant lips brushes against his skin. « Why did you come today, Jim ? »

« I –... » Jim’s heart’s pounding in his chest. « I wanted to make sure you were alright. »

He feels Spock shaking his head in negation behind him. « The truth. » The man wraps an arm around Jim’s waist, slowly pulls him back until they’re entirely pressed together, chest to back, backside to pelvis.

Jim gasps, the surge inside of him becoming as strong as a tsunami. « I needed to see you, » he admits, weak under Spock’s spell.

« Jim. » God, his name still sounds like a pleading on Spock’s lips. « Jim, I have missed you. »

Jim lets out a shaky breath, turns around in Spock’s arms. « I didn’t come here for this. »

Despite his weak protest, he doesn’t attempt to stop Spock as the man tentatively kisses the corner of his lips. Once. Twice. Heart hammering in his chest, Jim grips Spock’s robes, pulls him closer, but still refuses to be the one who takes that last step. “Spock.”

When their mouths finally join in a real kiss, one that has him cupping Spock’s face in his hands and tilting his head just so to deepen the contact, Jim can taste the victory on his lover’s tongue.

* * *

_“Are you happy?”_ Elder Spock had once asked him.

Jim had answered positively. _“That is all that matters,”_ his friend had smiled.

It had looked sincere enough back then.

* * *

  * _stardate 2270.56_



There’s something’s different in the air when Jim enters their bedroom. It makes him pause, dread twisting in his gut. And suddenly, he knows.

Heart in his throat, he slowly closes the door. It's late but the shutters aren't closed, allowing for the lights of the city to filter inside and reveal his partner's impassible face. Spock was obviously waiting for him, but he doesn’t turn around to greet Jim even though he has to be aware of his presence. Instead, he stays standing by the bedside table, not entirely facing Jim, holding something in his hands. _His PADD_ , Jim quickly realizes, a bolt of panic hitting him.

Spock doesn’t try to break the silence, neither does Jim, but eventually the Vulcan just puts the PADD on the table before walking past him to sit on the edge of the bed. His eyes are severe. Cold. Lacking any possible hope for forgiveness.

Jim takes a few more steps forwards until he’s standing by the table and looks down, just in time to catch the end of a video his partner has been watching. Truly, he’s not even surprised when he sees himself and Ambassador Spock on screen, locked in a passionate embrace just outside of the Vulcan’s apartment. Jim fingers in Spock’s hair. Spock’s hands on Jim’s ass. Kissing until Spock pushes Jim past the threshold, closing the door behind them.

« It appears we have much to discuss, Jim. »

On the table, the screen of the PADD goes black.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, english is not my first language and this story has no Beta, so I apologize for any grammatical errors and spelling mistakes you are likely to have found in this mess.


End file.
